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Behind Us Forever: Days of Future Future

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Chalkboard - Days of Future Future

“Bart, you cast the wrong spell!  Zombies!” – Lisa Simpson

So, was this episode the Futurama crossover or not?  I didn’t see Fry or Leela, but there was a beer swilling robot and lots of inter-species relationships, so I’m not entirely sure.  Also, part of it was a coma fantasy or a dream sequence, but I don’t have access to an original script so I don’t know if those pages were on pink paper or goldenrod.

For those of you sage enough not to have watched it, we begin in the present when Homer dies.  Frink, and remember, this is supposed to be the present, brings in a clone of Homer to the funeral.  Homer then spends the next few minutes dying and coming back as a clone.  Eventually it’s thirty years from now and Homer becomes a computer program instead.  In that future, Bart is divorced from Amy Poehler, Lisa is married to Milhouse (who becomes a literal zombie because now they’re just fucking with me), and Marge eventually also becomes a computer program who gets eaten or something by Homer.  Seriously, the end is so confusing that they have Moe say that he doesn’t get it.

- Hey, the couch gag was short and clever for a change.

- Ah, for the days when Homer eating in his underwear was funny instead of a harbinger of boredom.

- “You’re alive, but how?” – Time to have things explained.

- We got to the death montage nice and quick.  It’s a completely unnecessary death montage, but at least they didn’t dawdle.

- Oh, look, there’s an incinerator-bot that looks like something that was reject from a Futurama storyboard back in 2003 or so.  Has Zombie Simpsons resorted to dumpster diving the Futurama offices?

- “All is not lost, I was able to download Homer’s brain into this flash drive.” – They know we’re pretty much as far from Halloween as it is possible to get on the calendar, right?

- Bart’s ex-wife is dating an Alien alien named Jerry.  I am not making this up.

- Okay, the “Cretaceous Park” sign (“Now Correctly Named”) was kinda funny.

- You know, all this talk of zombies reminds me that Ugly Americans had its moments.  It never quite got there, but it was a hell of a lot better than this.

- At least this Total Recall scene didn’t take long.

- It’s our second song montage.  The first one was Homer dying.  This one is Bart getting laid.

- Clown group sex, didn’t see that one coming.

- A robot drinking alcohol . . . where have I seen that before?

- It’s pure fan service and couldn’t hope to salvage even a little bit of this episode, but they have adult Maggie and Gerald sucking on a straw together.  It was quick and almost charming.

- Nice of Marge to pop out from behind that plant at Moe’s for an expository conversation about marriage with her kids.

- “Wait, Mom, does that mean you’re gonna take Dad back?”, see what I mean?

- So, Marge just digitized herself and was eaten by Homer.  Moe, speaking for all of us, says “I can’t tell if that was love, suicide or a really boring video game.”  The “really boring” part certainly applies.

- Oh, that couch gag was a fan idea.  No wonder it didn’t suck.

Zombie Simpsons likes to take any decent joke and run it into the ground with repetition, and this was them doing that on an episode scale.  A couple of seasons ago they did that “Holiday of Future’s Passed” episode where they did Christmas in the future.  I wasn’t a fan, but they got a little bit of positive attention from it, so the natural thing to do would be to go back and stretch everything there way past the breaking point.  It’s just their style.

Anyway, the ratings are in and they are unprecedentedly wretched.  Last night, just 3.59 million people hoped that this show gets canned sometime in the next thirty years.  That’s good for second lowest all time, bested only by the non-8pm slot “Diggs” episode from last month.  Seven of the ten lowest rated ever, including the entire bottom five, have been broadcast since January.



Behind Us Forever: What to Expect When Bart’s Expecting

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Chalkboard - What To Expect When Bart's Expecting

“Gotcha!  It’s April Fool’s for two more minutes.” – Homer Simpson
“Dad, it’s May 16th.” – Bart Simpson
“You were in that coma for seven weeks.” – Lisa Simpson

This week’s pile of horseshit starts with Bart’s chalkboard saying “You Can’t Play April Fool’s Jokes on April 27th”, which is their way of telling the audience that even they recognized this one as a wretched and unwatchable entry.  Homer and Bart serenade a horse in a cheap, wannabe Les Miserables parody, but that’s after Bart gets a bunch of people pregnant with voodoo, which was itself after they fell back on referencing as many comic geek franchises as they could (again).  The thing was such a mess that they had to tack on a fake beer commercial sketch at the end that had nothing to do with the rest of the episode.  Also, in this April Fool’s reality, horses can operate stereos.  Comedy genius, that.

- Great couch gag, and not only because it was a full minute long, shaving many precious seconds of stupidity off the rest of the episode.  Can they farm these out every week?  It’s really the only good part of the show.

- At least the bartender meeting didn’t take long.  We had to get right to the naked begging for geek approval of putting the characters in superhero costumes.

- Funding from Canal+ was a nice quick sign gag.

- Kirk getting sucked into a vacuum hose was pretty pointless.

- So, Willy’s naked in front of ten-year-olds?  They are asking us to just roll with a lot of shit this week.

- Oh, look, one of Bart’s many ex-girlfriends, and who is also apparently Chamlers’ daughter.

- And more creepy kissing.  I was really hoping that was behind us.

- So, are we gonna come back to the missing ingredient in the voodoo curse?  I have doubts.

- “So, your boy’s got magic knock-up powers, huh?” – Glad we cleared that up.

- Nice of Lenny to explain the joke before he complimented Homer on his virility.  Jokes that need to be explained first to work always land.

- You can tell how slapdash these stories are from the little things: That couple driving onto a baseball diamond for no reason, Homer just happening to walk past Bart’s voodoo show, Homer choking Bart in front of a two strangers who just sit there, the complete absence of Lisa, etcetera.

- Bart is now sitting at Moe’s with Homer.

- Homer’s lack of wallet thing was pure filler.

- Remember when Fat Tony had good lines instead of crap like “How would you like a cast over your face?”.

- “How is this my fault?” “I wouldn’t be here if you were more of a role model.” - Aww, they’re trying to make this about Homer and Bart’s relationship.  It’s like George Meyer left “how to write Simpsons episodes” instructions before he gave up on them and subpoint 2-3.b is “have an emotional connection between family members”.

- A horse just turned on a boombox to play “It’s Raining Men” so it could dance around for ten seconds.  I’d say the show has reached a new low, but we all know that isn’t true.

- And, after following a horse that casually walked out of its stall, we’re in a flashback montage.

- Homer is singing to horses to get them to fuck.  This is really bad, even by their standards.

- And then Homer gets kicked by a horse at the end.  How else could you wrap up that masterpiece?

- Hey, look, they’re aping the opening of Modern Family, a show that’s much better than this one.

- And we’re ending with a horse testifying at a trial in a random, SNL-at-its-worst comedy sketch.  Seems appropriate.

Woof, what a mess of an episode (and yet another total waste of Fat Tony).  That song was just brutal, and what the hell did any of that have to do with Les Miserables?  They long ago lost the ability to tell a story, but when they don’t have a b-plot and everything has to ride on one story it’s usually a bigger trainwreck, and this week was no exception.  I knew we were in trouble when Fat Tony kidnapped them with 8 minutes to go, but I didn’t expect things to get that desperate.  Yeesh.

Anyway, the ratings are in and they are worthy of that hacktacular crapterpiece.  Last night just 3.38 million people wondered whether or not that really was an ill timed April Fool’s joke.  That’s good for second place on the all time least watched list, replacing “Days of Future Future” which held the spot for only two weeks (and no other new episodes).  Eight of the ten least watched episodes of all time, including spots 1-7, are from Season 25.  Presumably the Lego episode next week won’t bomb quite this bad, but Season 25 is already locked into being the least watched season ever.


Behind Us Forever: Brick Like Me

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Chalkboard - Brick Like Me

“George Carlin on three.” – Miss Pennycandy
“Yeah?  Lawsuit?  Oh, come on!  My seven words you can’t say on TV bit was entirely different from your seven words you can’t say on TV bit.  So I’m a thief, am I?  Well, excuse me! . . . Give him ten grand.” – Krusty the Klown
“Steve Martin on four.” – Miss Pennycandy
“Ten grand.” – Krusty the Klown

Let’s get this out of the way first: this is the best they can do and they know it.  If the PR machine is to be believed, this episode took two years to make and was very expensive to animate.  They bragged about how careful the writing was and how they went the extra mile for this one.  They hyped it for weeks and made it their big May sweeps premier.  And, indeed, it is better and more memorable than most Zombie Simpsons, but that’s a low bar, and the only really memorable thing about it was the animation.

To be fair, the animation was pretty impressive and the episode looked very cool in places.  But the writing and execution would’ve been awful even if the vastly superior The Lego Movie wasn’t looming over every terrible line.  That movie was written and directed by the guys who did Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 121 Jump Street and the unjustly cancelled Clone High.  This episode was written by a guy who started writing for Zombie Simpsons in Season 13 and whose only other IMDb credits in that time are for the justly cancelled Joey.  It shows.

- And we get right into things with fake self deprecation “It’s not selling out, it’s co-branding!  Co-branding!”.

- Give them this, it does look nice.

- The sign gags are pretty lazy, though: “Brick-E-Mart”, “H&R Brick”, “First Brick of Springfield”, “Brick, Block & Beyond”.

- “Hey, these are the monkey’s legs”.  Gee, I sure like being told what I’m seeing.

- “Hmm, what do you know, I enjoyed playing with you.”  Ah, nothing brings us back to the regular reality of Zombie Simpsons faster than characters telling us exactly how they feel.

- And now Homer and Lisa are having an expository talk during a flashback.  It’s crappy writing within a weak plot device within crappy writing within a weak plot gimmick.

- Marge and Homer are sitting at home on the bed and Marge reminds us again that in this world “everything fits with everything else and nobody ever gets hurt”.  That’s about the third or fourth time they’ve explained that.

- “Oh, brick me!” – Just tallying the “brick” puns is exhausting.

- Okay, the increasing sized items on the Love Tester are okay.  Not hilarious or anything, but at least they only used the word “brick” once.

- So, Bart rebuilt the school and then described everything we saw in it with voiceover.

- Lovejoy’s sermon about the beginning of the world is kinda funny (goes on too long, of course, but that’s standard).

- This time it’s Flanders: “everything fits together and no one gets hurt”.  Jebus, we get it already.

- Homer just re-explained everything again before touching the toy box.  Also, Marge was just standing there, so that was a Zombie Simpsons twofer.

- Woof, this scene with Lisa and the other girls expositing about the, ugh, “Survival Games” is really going on too long.  I like how each of them explained why they were there.

- And, just because it deserves its own bullet point: “Survival Games” is incredibly lazy.

- Now Lisa is explaining why she wants to do something.

- And now, because this is Zombie Simpsons, Homer and Marge are having a conversation about Lisa right in front of Lisa’s open bedroom door.  As usual, their contempt for object permanence or even just basic social sense shines through.

- Hey, how about another one: “everything fits together and no one gets hurt”.  Thanks, Homer!

- Jebus, writing this bad wouldn’t have survived in a first draft of The Lego Movie.  First, Comic Book Guy explained to everyone what we just saw, then Marge actually says this, “One of the main questions I have about that is why?”.  That leads to more expositing from Comic Book Guy.

- Hey, another “brick” pun on the Jebediah statue.  How many of these can they do?

- I’m tired of transcribing them, but Marge and Homer just re-re-re-re-re-stated the premise and explained the plot again, in case anyone missed it.

- And now he’s doing it again at a tea party with Lisa, “I’ve created a perfect world with no PG-13 movies to take you away from me.”  We.  Fucking.  Know.

- Pop quiz: brick Homer realizes he can’t stay in his paradise.  Do we see him living life and growing tired of it, or does he stand still and explain everything in a speech while doing nothing?  You get two guesses, but you’re only going to need one.

- Then, directly after, we see him reiterate the speech he just gave to Marge.

- Comic Book Guy: “But you’ve discovered the joy of living in a world made of toys where nothing bad can ever happen.”  That phrase may account for 10% of the total words here.

- Now Comic Book Guy is explaining who he is.

- The giant Bart robot is kinda cool.  It’s not funny or anything, but it’s the first thing that’s reminded me of The Lego Movie in a good way instead of a bad one.

- Well, at least they know they’re a pale imitation of the movie.

- Nice of Homer to tell us all what he learned this week.  Knowing is half the battle.

- Having Lovejoy’s description of the universe be true at the end was an actual nice touch that didn’t take too long.  Weird.

- But the episode ran waaaay short despite repeating itself over and over again, so it’s time for a “Survival Games” sketch to get us to the finish line.

What a waste of an episode.  Neat, innovative animation like that shouldn’t be locked into the ordinary mess of a Zombie Simpsons story.

Anyway, the ratings are in and all that publicity did not do them much good.  Last night, just 4.29 million people wished The Lego Movie had already come out on home video.  That’s the highest number they’ve had in a month and it’s still good for #16 on the all time least watched list.  Hear that, crappy entertainment industry publications?  Keep writing stories about how nobody watches anymore.


Behind Us Forever: Pay Pal

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Chalkboard - Pay Pal

“And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders.” – Ned Flanders
“Charmed . . . Uh, googily doogily.” – Lord Thistlewick Flanders

Every once and a while we get episodes like “Pay Pal” that seem to be made up of B-plots that got discarded from other episodes and were found lying on the writers’ room floor.  The first thing that happens is that there’s an Evergreen Terrace block party, then John Oliver shows up as a new British neighbor.  Then he gets into a fight with Homer and vanishes completely from the episode.  With the “British neighbor” story concluded, there’s a new (more or less unrelated) story about Marge paying a kid to be friends with Lisa.  Neither story underpins or overlaps with the other and you could easily see either one being the subplot to some larger and wackier A-plot.

Despite the fact that the zaniness is about a low as Zombie Simpsons is capable of setting it (no magic powers, no fantasy worlds, not even any nuclear explosions), things still manage to make absolutely no sense.  Marge and Homer throw a giant party for Lisa but cover it up before she can arrive because none of the other kids showed up.  Grampa tells a story about paying Lenny and Carl to be friends with Homer that falls apart as it’s happening.  There’s an elementary school gym square dancing scene that has so little to do with anything else that it might have been accidentally copied and pasted in from another script.  But, hey, next weak is the season finale and then we can all forget about Zombie Simpsons for four months, so as silver linings go that’s a pretty good one.

- Couch gag is the usual excessive filler, clocking in at  forty seconds.

- This Itchy and Scratchy episode takes way too long, but the real problem is the competely pointless amounts of gore: cats drowning in their own barf, skinned corpses, lots of popped eyeballs.  They do know that a big part of what makes cartoon violence fun is that the coyote’s blood and guts don’t splash out when the boulder lands on him, right?

- What’s with Bart watching TV on a massive and ancient looking portable television, anyway?

- Shauna and Gil are not what you’d call a strong comedic pairing.

- And  now Gil is singing.

- “Now let me taste some of Ned Flanders no alarm chili”.  Ah, for the days when it was two or two and a half alarm chili.

- Homer and Marge are talking in bed and Lisa appears in the door to make an observation about not having any friends.  That’s exposition fairy!

- “That’s the saddest thing I can imagine my daughter saying to me”, characters should always tell you exactly what they’re feeling said no screenwriter ever.

- Now it’s Bart’s turn to appear mysteriously outside of his parents bedroom.  They really make it hard to tell if they just don’t care about constructing scenes or if they drop characters in and out just because they can.

- Did Homer just look directly at the camera?  Yes, yes he did.  That was odd.

- Well, at least this couples party didn’t take long to get to its perfectly silly fighting between Homer and this dull British guy.

- On the walk home, Homer climbs across people’s roofs.  Weird.

- Hey, a partying montage!

- So Homer and Marge threw a party for Lisa but then tore it down before she could get there, so the whole thing was completely pointless.  Also, they seem to think “Gus Hubner” is a really funny name and worth repeating as a punchline several times.

- Lotta scenes that really drag their feet this week.  First the gym teacher had to explain why there was a wall in the gym, then we had to wait for it to open.  Only then did we get to the exciting square dancing scene.

- Okay, this was kinda funny: “Nobody likes jazz that much, even the guy playing it had to take drugs.”

- This girl Lisa is friends with is the very definition of characterless.  She’s so bland I’m surprised she got a name.

- Bart had a nice “pace and exposit” scene until Milhouse showed up from nowhere.

- And then Lisa explains what’s happening, because we didn’t just see it ourselves or anything.

- Hey, another montage.  That ate up some time.

- Lisa’s confrontation with Marge is hacktacular from start to finish.  The two of them just explain stuff past each other, and it’s made all the worse because they’re both being weird and serious.  They really have no idea how to let characters act like people anymore.  Everyone sounds like their reading cue cards: “I would’ve found a friend eventually.  You couldn’t wait a damn decade until I got into college.”  Who talks like that?

- At least they acknowledge at the end of Grampa’s weird flashback that it doesn’t make any sense.

- And now Marge and Lisa are confronting each other again.  This time Lisa is mentally expositing just to us instead of out loud, though.

- And now also out loud: “It’s funny, but hurting your feelings made me feel better.”

Thank goodness that’s over.  I kept expecting John Oliver’s character to briefly show up sometime in the second half of the episode, but he just vanished completely after his fight with Homer.  He wasn’t really all that wacky and kinda seemed like he might have a bigger story purpose that “eat time in Act 1″, but I guess not.  On any other show that’d be weird, but on Zombie Simpsons its just a regular week.

Anyway, the numbers are in and they remain in the same sorry state that they’ve been since January.  Last night just 3.61 million people wondered what happened to John Oliver’s character.  That’s good for #4 on the all time least watched list and has dragged Season 25′s average viewership down to 5.07 million per episode.  Next week is the season finale, and if it comes in at 3.40 million or less, Season 25′s average will slip below five million.  That number doesn’t hold any real significance, it’s just easy to remember.  Either way, Season 25 is already the least watched season ever.


Behind Us Forever: The Yellow Badge of Cowardge

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Chalkboard - The Yellow Badge of Cowardage
“Gratzi, gratzi, you have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.” - Don Vittorio DiMaggio
“No, no, Don Vittorio, you’re not-” – Legs
“Yes, I am.  I know it, I am.” - Don Vittorio DiMaggio

If nothing else, “The Yellow Badge of Cowardge” capped off Season 25 with the same brand of forgettable and lackluster nonsense that we’ve come to expect.  (Points for consistency, if literally nothing else.)  Jokes and childishly simple plot points are explained ad nauseam while the overall story staggers around in a world of dull nonsense.  So, for example, near the middle of the episode Homer and the guy who looks and sounds like Don Vittorio DiMaggio but isn’t Don Vittorio DiMaggio drive around with barrels of gunpowder strapped to their car.  Despite the fact that we know nothing of consequence is going to happen, the show insists on driving them through a bunch of neighborhoods where everything might explode.  It goes on for the better part of a minute and they explain every place they go before they get there.  It’s Season 25 (and really all of Zombie Simpsons) in a nutshell: a bad joke that’s explained ahead of time and then run into the ground.

- At least the couch gag was short.  Didn’t have a couch, but it was short.

- Why is Lisa narrating when the first time we see her she’s asleep?

- Bart banging pots and pans . . . feels like I’ve seen that before.  Also, he explained what he was doing while he was doing it.

- “That’s a prison road crew” – Marge, telling us what we’re looking at.

- Having had a couple of jokes explained while they were happening, here’s Marge to pre-explain the fire department delivering pizza in a pointless, Family Guy aside.

- Narration Lisa is now also pre-explaining the jokes “and run with your leg tied to someone who wouldn’t talk to you all year”.

- Cletus, doing the same.

- Skinner is getting pelted with eggs.  He used to be good at his job.

- As is sometimes the case, the sign gags are at least okay.  Lewis’s out of office text message was kinda funny.  It couldn’t save that extended bit with Chalmers just yelling and mumbling, but it wasn’t terrible.

- This whole field day is an excuse for them to jump from one bad idea to another.

- Okay, Edwin Moses contemptuously saying that all hurdles are the same size was funny.

- The cheese grater abs on Milhouse are kinda gross.

- I think Chalmers reciting all the kids names is supposed to be fan service.  Getting hard to tell.

- Aaaaand, proving once again that they will overuse anything decent, they have Moses jump off a cliff (literally).

- Nelson’s here to punch Milhouse.  Supposedly he’s there because the bullies don’t want to pay off a bet to Martin (which they would do why, exactly?), but maybe he just wanted Milhouse to stop expositing while he ran.

- Speaking of exposition, Narration Lisa is now helpfully explaining his dilemma to us: “Bart faced a terrible choice, take a beating with his friend or slither off like a coward.”

- “Mom, I’m narrating!” <- actual line

- Hibbert, having explained what we just saw happen to Milhouse, now pre-explains the joke about kids having ice cream headaches.

- Time for a Bart dream sequence that re-explains the scene we saw less than two minutes ago.

- Bart is now re-re-re-explaining what happened . . . to Maggie: “You must have figured out I chickened out during the race.”  Shit like this is unforgivably lazy writing.  Could Maggie handing Bart a chicken feather kinda work?  Sure.  But it doesn’t work when she wanders into his room in the middle of the night and then, after the fact, instead of making a joke or even just showing us Bart feeling ashamed, they have him repeat what’s going on.

- Case in point of the above: Narration Lisa is explaining that when Homer was a kid, he liked fireworks because then he couldn’t hear his parents yelling.  Fine.  But instead of showing us that, and maybe even trying to make it funny while it happens, they tell us what’s going on explicitly, “It was the one night of every year that he couldn’t hear his parents argue.  He figured it was because they loved the fireworks just as much as he did.”.

- More of same: “With his mother gone, Homer needed a hero, and no one was more of a hero than the magical little man behind the controls.”  Stop. Explaining. Everything. Please?

- After Homer and the old fireworks guy who looks and talks like Don Vittorio DiMaggio spit one liners at each other, the A-plot returns to once again remind us that Bart is feeling guilty.  This will not be the last time.

- Homer and the repeat old Italian stereotype are now buying fireworks from Cletus.  It ends with an exploding Spider-Pig.

- Bart is now sharing a stage with Drederick Tatum for winning that race.  One of Tatum’s actual lines, “What’s going on?  Seriously, what’s transpiring?”  They’re actually asking themselves for more exposition.

- After some more expositions (“Bart’s a coward”, “He lied to us”), Tatum tells the tattoo guy (what, you didn’t think there’d be a tattoo guy there?) to change his tattoo of Bart.

- Another decent sign gag with “Fruit Tree Sale, Grow a Pear!”.

- Old people saying they’re all cowards is a decent enough idea, but once again they manage to stretch things too long, re-re-re-explain themselves several times, and generally screw things up.

- After Bart wakes up with Milhouse in his bed, we get yet more nonsense exposition, “This is an angry sleepover, I’m only doing it because it was on the books.”.  It’s one thing to have quick aside scenes, it’s another to have them involve both of the main characters in the A-plot in a way that doesn’t fit in with what we’re seeing and then having one of them say why.

- The Homer driving montage would’ve been much funnier if they hadn’t pre-explained every joke and then have it go on for forty-five seconds.

- And speaking of weak jokes that take too long: Wiggum and Lou trying to fire their Revolutionary War muskets.

- Homer has gotten into an unexpected fight for the second week in a row.  This time it’s on a barge full of fireworks that will end up pointing directly at the crowd for a few moments of fake tension.

- Still more evidence of how hacktacular all of this is.  The fireworks are pointed at the crowd.  Bart spies the Retirement Castle bus, then looks at the keys hanging off the back of the driver’s belt.  Fine.  Overly convenient and kinda dumb, but not beyond rescue.  Then Bart says this, “Milhouse, this is my chance to make things right.”.  Ugh.

- Grampa fleeing by saying “Don’t worry, boys, I’ll be with you all the way to Berlin” was kinda funny.  As per standard Zombie Simpsons procedure, however, they have to stretch it by having him jump in a nearby boat that we’d never seen before.

- Carl just made a Twitter joke . . . then he explained it and told us what we were looking at.

- Actual line: “Quit explaining everything!”.  Make of that what you will.

- And we end the season with Grampa playing piano and an unrelated epilogue where Bart brushes his teeth and Maggie squeaks like a chicken.

Anyway, the numbers are in and . . . they did it!  Last night just 3.28 million people wished the writing staff had the courage to let the show die.  That is good for #2 on the all time least watched list (only the 7:30pm, sad-kid-mental-patient “Diggs” remains lower) and it pushes the average overnight rating for Season 25 down to 4.99 million viewers.  Back in March and April, when they were pulling in low 4 and high 3 million numbers, I didn’t think they’d stink out loud enough to get down under 5 for the season, but the last few weeks have gone a long way towards showing just how unloved this show has become.

I’m planning on doing a longer ratings post this week or next, but in the meantime, here is the current list of least watched episodes.  Note that all but #10 are from this season:

(Season-Ep/Date/Viewers in Millions/Title)

  1. 25-12 / 9-Mar-14 / 2.65 / Diggs
  2. 25-22 / 18-May-14 / 3.28 / The Yellow Badge of Cowardage
  3. 25-19 / 27-Apr-14 / 3.38 / What to Expect When Bart’s Expecting
  4. 25-18 / 13-Apr-14 / 3.59 / Days of Future Future
  5. 25-21 / 11-May-14 / 3.61 / Pay Pal
  6. 25-13 / 9-Mar-14 / 3.73 / The Man Who Grew Too Much
  7. 25-11 / 26-Jan-14 / 3.91 / Specs and the City
  8. 25-15 / 23-Mar-14 / 3.93 / The War of Art
  9. 25-16 / 30-Mar-14 / 3.94 / You Don’t Have to Live Like a Referee
  10. 23-21 / 13-May-12 / 4.00 / Ned ‘N Edna’s Blend

Those are not the numbers of a healthy show.  Then again, undead things don’t have pulses anyway.


Behind Us Forever: Clown in the Dumps

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Homer Goes to College15

“My first day of college.  I wish my father was alive to see this.” – Homer Simpson
“Hey!” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson
“How long have you been back there?” – Homer Simpson
“Three days.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson

(Sorry for not getting this up yesterday.  The day got away from me.)

Season 26 picked up right where season 25 left off: a time eating guest couch gag, many needlessly self voiced celebrities, characters explaining how they feel and what they’re doing, and plenty of other boring nonsense.  The A-plot was about Krusty being sad and involved the much hyped character death, which turned out to be the nothingburger we all expected.  (The fact that the media is so easily and repeatedly trolled by Zombie Simpsons may be the funniest thing about the show these days.)

The B-plot was about Lisa being worried about Homer’s health all of a sudden.  We know this because she basically narrates the whole thing for us, including how she’s feeling and the ending that was already nonsensical before the school bus crashes into the Simpson back yard.

- Count me among those who generally like the guest couch gags.  It’s nice to get something new and interesting, and since the writing staff doesn’t have to do any plot or dialogue, they’re often very decent.  But this one was pretty bad.  It was a decent concept and had a neat look to it, but it took way too long given how little actually happened and how repetitive the images were.

- This popcorn thing is really dumb.  It was also done much, much better in “Realty Bites”.

- “Cheap to Produce” was at least quick.

- Ugh, this Wiggum crime photo thing.  I thought the Family Guy stuff was going to be during their episode.

- Hey, look: crappy jokes, self voiced celebrities, and canned laughter.

- “Nobody warned me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I’ve seen and laughed at.” – Unnecessary exposition rolled up with a cheap excuse for the idiot nonsense they just made us sit through.  Stuff like this really demonstrates how much the show has deteriorated.  Krusty knows what a roast is.  It’d be fine to have the roast get to him, bum him out, etc.  Instead, he acts depressed and surprised from the get go because Heaven forefend characters and the story might move along in reaction to what happens rather than just because.

- That swapper joke could’ve been funny if it had made sense.

- Hey, look, Bart just showed up out of nowhere to tell Krusty what to do.  Seamless.

- This is certainly a pointless death scene.

- And now it’s time for a funeral that improbably includes the Simpson family.

- Hey, the B-plot showed up.  I’ll let Lisa explain, “Dad, I’m worried about your health.  I don’t want to lose you.”

- Remember when they only included Sideshow Bob when they had something really great and fun to do?  Long time ago, that.

- “No mimes!” is a decent sign gag.

- And “The elephant and I had our differences” is pretty good.  It’s also short, understated, and unexplained.  Not a coincidence.

- Is it technically an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon if Itchy’s not in it?

- Oh, for fuck’s sake, “Kids, I’m experiencing a crisis of conscious.”

- This is a cruel waste of Maurice LaMarche as the TV critic.

- Lisa’s back to explain what’s happening in the B-plot again.

- Did David Hyde Pierce just wander past the recording room one day?  That might have been even more pointless than the Sideshow Bob cameo.

- Past Krusty shows were a lot better when they were about collective bargaining agreements.

- Similarly, Krusty’s binges used to be more fun.  They even had the Stanley Cup.

- “Krusty, have you fulfilled the promise you made to your father in the dream you never told anyone about?”  Even by their cheat standards that’s lazy.  They weren’t even painted into a corner or anything, they just can’t move things forward without explicitly telling us what’s going on.  Then Bart appeared out of nowhere.

- And now Homer is wrapped in bubble wrap, then there was a car crash and then Lisa explained, out loud, how she was feeling for the fifth time or so.  Mercifully, this B-plot is now over.

- Bart apparently knew who Krusty’s dad’s favorite rabbi was.  No, it doesn’t make any sense.  But at least it was short.

- Oof, the “Jewish Heaven” song is really weak.  There are like three lyrics, most of which are just “Jewish Heaven”, and the rest is just visual references of famous Jews.

Anyway, the ratings are in and they are much improved.  Last night, 8.50 million people lost hope after the FXX marathon reminded them how good the show once was.  That’s way up from last year’s premier, though at least some of that is attributable to the Eagles-49ers game.  It’ll be curious to see whether or not that holds up next week when FOX doesn’t have a late NFL game.  Was it mostly football, or did all that hype actually make a few million people want to start watching the show again?


Behind Us Forever: The Wreck of the Relationship

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“Smithers, I seem to recall you had a penchant for bell bottomed trousers, back in ’79.” – C.M. Burns
“Sir, that was my costume from the plant production of HMS Pinafore.” – Mr. Smithers
“Oh, yes, of course.  Your spirited hornpipe stole the show as I recall.” –  C.M. Burns

Another week, another forgettable episode from Zombie Simpsons.  Homer and Bart get into a fight about broccoli, then end up on a father-son sailing ship.  Along the way, Homer gets scurvy, is thrown overboard a couple of times, vomits, and gets attacked by an octopus.  Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Marge runs Homer’s fantasy football team.  Both suffer from montages, expository dialogue, expository voice-overs, and the usual range of problems.

- A long couch gag ends with Scratchy’s blood splattered on the TV.  That was odd.

- And we open with repetitive shots to some guy’s nuts.  Who says the writing sucks?

- Bart and Milhouse watching a red band trailer would be a lot better if they didn’t stop to explain everything as they were doing it.

- The setup was a bit of a stretch, but Marge getting her mammogram search blocked was okay.

- Homer and Marge are having another one of their expository conversations, but this one is in the bathroom.

- This broccoli thing just goes on and on and on.  Ate up a lot of time, though, so there’s that.

- Homer takes a call from Lenny about his fantasy football draft.  Does this make any sense as dialogue with Lenny?:

Lenny: Homer, where are you?  Our fantasy football draft is about to start.
Homer: Today’s our draft!  I’ve gotta pick a good fantasy team.  When I lost last year they made me do something so humiliating….Jebus loves Tebow.

No, no it does not.

- Homer and Bart both get kidnapped in the middle of the night because how else could they get out on a boat?  This show doesn’t just take bad shortcuts.  It takes bad and unnecessary shortcuts.

- Guh, this guy is a waste of Nick Offerman’s talents.

- Trunks of life jackets just appeared out of nowhere.  One-year-olds have a better grasp of object permanence than this writing staff.  It’s astonishing.

- Hey, the B-plot just showed up.  Marge helpfully explains that she’s getting messages from Homer’s fantasy league.  Sure glad she told us that or we’d never have figured it out.

- The trash talking that so upsets Marge isn’t even funny.  It’s just lame: “Homer, your quarterback is garbage”.  Ooh, cutting!

- Homer just got scurvy for some reason.  It doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but it did happen.

- Montage!  (Though maybe HMS Pinafore isn’t the kind of thing they should be reminding us of.)

- Homer’s now telling us how Bart’s feeling.  That’s a twist.

- Homer just puked for some reason.

- There are way too many useless lines for me to quote them all, but this is fairly typical:

Homer: Wait a minute.  He can’t order me around.  I’m his father.
Offerman: He’s your superior officer, so he can and will order you around.

They’re so hooked into just telling us what’s happening that I don’t think they even notice it anymore.

- The B-plot is back so that Selma could explain what’s happening and then they could do voice over to explain it some more.

- Offerman just asked Bart how he was feeling.  They really can’t go a scene without doing this.

- Remember when Lionel Hutz was tempted by liquor?  It was much better than this bit with Offerman.

- Hey, now there’s a storm.

- And now it’s giving Homer and Bart a chance to restate what’s happening for the umpteenth time.

- They really can’t stop:

Marge: So, did your sailing adventure help you work out your issues?

Anyway, the ratings are in, and it would appear that last week was a football and heavily promoted fluke.  Just 4.32 million people wished that boat sank last night.  That’s barely half of last week’s number, and is right back in line with how bad things were last year.  In fact, that number is good for #8 on the all time least watched list, and this is the earliest in a season that’s ever happened.  I still have no idea whether or not the show will get renewed again, but if these numbers keep up, there will be more stories about “Simpsons at historical low”.


Behind Us Forever: Super Franchise Me

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“Don’t make me tap the sign.” – Bus Driver

There are episodes of Zombie Simpsons that border on manic, where they just throw crazy shit at the screen and hope that some of the incoherent jumble produces a chuckle or two.  But there are also episodes like “Super Franchise Me”, that feel like they were produced by people in the depths of an Eeyore level depression.  This is Zombie Simpsons going through the motions: slowly, reluctantly, joylessly.  The story, Marge opens a sandwich franchise, is paper napkin thin, and since there’s no B-plot, they had to tack on a slow motion fantasy chase sequence at the end to shuffle this one across the twenty-minute finish line.

(Sorry we forgot to put up a preview post.  Guess we weren’t the only ones half-assing it this week.)

- And you can tell things are off to a bad start when they have a clock eating non-guest couch gag.  It’s 45 seconds long.  Just 19m:15s to go!

- Guh, Flanders is reading the sign gags.  The sign gags are one of the few things they don’t completely suck at, so this is always annoying.

- And then they did it with Homer reading the name of the Japanese city.

- This is one of the dumber montages I’ve seen in a while.  Marge is cooking meat, and Homer is worried for some reason.  It takes almost forty seconds.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.

- You want a good example of how filler-iffic this episode is?  Bart and Lisa just watched Homer stuff food into Santa’s Little Helper for fifteen seconds before they objected.  It wasn’t funny, but it did eat some time!

- On a printed, 8pt font list of this episode’s problems, this would be on about page three, but it makes no sense for Marge to make all these sandwiches after Flanders takes his freezer back.  The premise is that the food is gonna go bad before anyone can eat it, and now she’s got a ton of sandwiches that would still need to go in the fridge.

- Similar to the above, why does Bart want sandwiches at night before he goes to bed?

- Oh, now they have a scene with Flanders explaining that he’s keeping them in his freezer.  It’s nice that they tied up the loose end, I guess, but when your story is so week that you almost have to retcon it before the first commercial break, it’s not a good sign.

- Oh, look, the main story has arrived in the form of a woman showing up at the school, where Marge went for no apparent reason.  Literally neither of them should be there.  Well done, Zombie Simpsons.

- Gotta love sparkling dialogue like this: “Mom, you’re gonna open a sandwich store?”, “Uh-huh.”

- Homer’s flashback to a Pizza Hut certainly went on for a while.

- Marge being happy that everything here is hers could’ve been interesting if it had been developed beyond having her just say “my” over and over.

- Krusty and Mr. Teeny just showed up for some reason.  And now the monkey is bathing in a giant salsa tray.

- Frink’s applying for a job.  Marge sets it up by telling him not to make any weird noises.  He then makes weird noises.  I think this was diagrammed out in Chapter 3 of “Scriptwriting For the Terminally Boring”.

- Gil handing out the strip club card would’ve been much funnier if the “Tell You Their Real Name” Tuesday joke had either been on the card or spoken aloud.  It’s both.  Reading the sign gags really sucks.

- Remember what I said earlier about Marge being happy about things actually being hers?  Well, that got dropped completely and now the Simpson family is working in the restaurant.

- “I was short staffed and your father volunteered.” – Thanks, exposition Marge!  We only saw that one minute ago, how could we possibly remember it?

- Montage #2.  This one is about making and selling sandwiches.

- The “We’re Closed and the Alarm Is On” sign with the skull and crossbones is kinda funny, but I’m just happy they didn’t have someone read it to us.

- There’s another sandwich place across the street now.  Bart pointed it out.  I like this scene, it’s a combination between their hatred of object permanence and their love of bizarre and abrupt plot twists.

- Cletus is reading ridiculous kids names.  Haven’t seen that before.

- Burns and Smithers just showed up for some reason.

- It’s okay, they’re gone now.

- You can argue about whether or not this show is funny (I don’t think it is, but to each their own), but there’s no denying that it’s dumb.  The premise here is that the sandwich franchise opened another location across the street and screwed Marge.  That’s actually a real problem (Subway, for example, is notorious for screwing its franchisees like that), but it’s not used for any kind of comedy here whatsoever.  Instead, they have Homer get scalded, stabbed and bashed in his crotch, and even then it doesn’t make sense.

- Just for good measure, we see Burns fall incompetently off of a rowboat.  Remember evil Burns?  He was fun.

- And now it’s over and they’ve got a caveman Homer very (very) slowly chasing some giant animal because this episode came in a solid minute short, even with all that filler.

- Nice of them to mention Jan Hooks, though.

Anyway, the ratings are in and they are way up, but only because of football overrun.  Last night’s cripplingly stretched premise was seen by 7.34 million people, probably half of whom just left it on after the Dallas-Seattle game.  That’s down from the also football lifted season premier, and it would’ve been an average number as recently as Season 22, but it counts as good for them these days.  Next week, the late national game is Giants-Cowboys, so we’ll see if there’s another (relatively) big number.



Behind Us Forever: Treehouse of Horror XXV

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“Stupid party, wish we was trick or treatin’.” – Bart Simpson

The annual Halloween episode tends to be pretty bland in the hands of Zombie Simpsons, and this year was no different.  The first story was about Bart going to school in Hell, where he does better than he used to do at Springfield Elementary.  The second is a bunch of meandering references to Stanley Kubrick movies that ends with Kubrick himself staring right at the camera for some reason.  The third one involved the old Tracey Ullman versions of the characters being ghosts.

- Give them this, if they’re going to sneak in Kang and Kodos for no reason, at least this opening didn’t take too long.

- Oof, this thing about “penal”, “penile” and “penis” was probably funnier when it was doodled on an actual fourth grader’s notebook.

- Hey, now Lisa’s here.

- The Hell chalkboard punishment “Eternal Torment Is The Only Just Punishment for the Unbaptized” is pretty good . . . and they didn’t even read it off to us!  Happy Halloween!

- But it didn’t last long.  Lisa just explained to us that snow is cold.

- Then Bart told us how he’s feeling about his teacher.

- The “Burns Hellport” wasn’t terrible.

- Guh, even in Halloween episodes though, we’re reminded of how cushy and comfortable the writers have gotten.  Homer just went on a rant about private schools sending parents twenty e-mails a day.  I bet they also hate it when your worthless butler washes your sock garters but they’re still covered with schmutz.

- And now Hell-Chalmers is expositing pointlessly.

- The montage didn’t even take too long.

- So, this thing with Bart torturing Homer was supposed to be some kind of ending?  Even here they need exposition:

Bart: That’s my Dad, I can’t hurt him.
Homer: No, boy, I want you to do it.
Bart:  What, why?
Homer: Bart, you went to Hell and came back a winner, like Jesus.

Tedious crap like this is why even when they do manage some decent jokes, these segments will always be bland and unmemorable.  “Hell School” is a decent enough little concept, but they can’t give it a coherent plot or not spend time explaining the jokes even in just seven minutes of runtime.

- For a show that got a little pious over Family Guy‘s rape joke, this “In-out” thing sure goes on a long time.

- Moe’s cutesy narrator language is already grating:

“Everything was all fish and chippie until Dum collected himself a twiggy-wick”

- The montage in the first segment didn’t take too long.  This one . . . not so much.  Homer just bounces around his room for a while.

- And we’re back to explaining things.  Homer’s going to marry Marge, then Moe asks a rhetorical question/joke setup, then Marge explains things.

- I get that this segment is just a scattershot of Kubrick references, but it kinda undercuts the joke of Moe being forced to watch FOX when he pleads to have it turned off, and then immediately takes the Clockwork Orange helmet off without a problem.

- Now Nelson, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph are beating Moe up.  Nelson was already in the house, thus making Moe talking to Kearney at the door pointless.  Is five consecutive seconds of narrative coherence really too much to ask?

- Speaking of sloppy writing, despite the fact that we saw a title card called “Years Later”, Homer just said it’s been a few months.  If that’s a joke, I sure don’t get it.

- And on the topic of narrative incoherence, Moe reacts to his beating by trying to get his old gang back together.  I assumed it was to get revenge, but we never see the bullies again.  Instead we’re off to an incoherent mash up of various Kubrick references.

- Topped off by more expository narration from Moe, and Kubrick himself getting hit on the head with a pen.  This one seems to have just petered out rather than ended, but maybe that’s for the best.

- Onto segment three, where the TV is apparently only playing Married With Children.  I get that’s a show from forever ago, but it might’ve helped for there to be more to it than that.

- Homer and Marge are in bed, then Marge leaves because Grampa was there too, then . . . you know what?  Screw it.  Basically nothing happens and what little does happen is explained to us.

- Lisa just called ghost-Bart burping “unmotivated”.  Maybe they do know what motivation is.  That’s the only evidence from the last five years or so, but still.

- Also, it’s nice that they’re trying to do the old style voices, but twenty-five years has made that impossible.

- Speaking of “unmotivated”, what’s with ghost-Marge and regular-Homer falling in love?  Ghost-Homer just kinda stands there.

- And now Marge killed herself.  Uh, okay.

- Good question from new-ghost-Marge, “Won’t the other Homer be a problem?”.  That little reminder slightly preceded Homer getting killed by ghost-Homer.

- And now Lisa and Bart are dead too because . . . I really don’t know.  I guess they all want to be ghosts for some reason?

- Dr. Marvin Monroe is now also back as a ghost.  His butt gets stuck in the wall.  (Comedy!)

- “Let’s not fight anymore, let’s make him decide between us!” – Not only are they telling us what’s happening, they’ve once again forgotten the older Homer.  Then both Marges explain themselves, because ghosts explaining themselves is a significant fraction of the dialogue here.

- Now both Marges are hugging their respective Homers.

- And we end on many different Simpsons versions.

I expect basically nothing from this show, so it’s hard to call myself disappointed in any of this, but that final segment is still kinda disappointing.  It’s a neat idea to bring back the original character models and you could probably have some fun with the old and new versions interacting or going at cross purposes, especially in a Halloween episode where you’ve got basically no rules.  Instead, Homer and ghost-Marge have a weird non-romance and most of the segment is people killing (themselves or others) and explaining how they feel.  What a waste.

Anyway, the ratings are in and it remains good to be behind football.  Last night’s dutiful episode reminded 7.64 million viewers that this show used to do much better Halloween specials.  As with previous weeks, that’s good for this year and very bad historically.


Behind Us Forever: Opposites A-frack

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“Leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.” – Marge Simpson

This week on Zombie Simpsons, Burns does something we saw him do much funnier twenty years ago, but he also falls in love and becomes a softy for a while.  In between, Patty and Selma live with the Simpsons for a while, Marge, Lisa and Smithers vanish for most of the episode, Homer gets another new job, and there’s a big explosion.

- No couch gag this week, so what they left in must be pure gold!

- Marge is buttering Homer up with pork chops because Patty & Selma need a place to stay.  If you guessed that Patty & Selma weren’t in the house right up until they mysteriously appeared in the house as if by transporter, you win absolutely nothing.

- Homer is repeating the word “teensy” for some reason.  I guess that got a big laugh at the table read?

- So the conflict here is that Patty & Selma aren’t supposed to smoke in the house.  Homer has put smoke detectors all over the place to catch them.  Then it starts raining instantly so they can’t go outside.  The instant rain thing was funny in “Bart the Murderer” because it was a joke.  Here it’s a plot crutch for an already nonsensically weak plot.  It won’t be the last.

- Hey, a decent sign gag that didn’t get read out load “Once Your Lungs Go Black, They Never Go Back”.

- They put a new bathroom in the house for no discernible reason.  It’s under the stairs because Patty & Selma were by the stairs.  They want to smoke there because, for some other indiscernible reason, Homer didn’t put smoke detectors in the bathroom.  This show cannot even maintain a joke, much less a story.  It’d almost be impressive in its sloppiness if we hadn’t seen it so many times before.

- Hey, look, the main story has arrived!  The water in the bathroom caught on fire.

- Lisa just scrolled over a bunch of movies titles on her tablet.  They were supposed to be depressing documentaries, so most of them were just “noun of death”.

- Hey, it’s a joke free explanation of fracking.  I love it when they pre-explain things.

- So, Lisa and Bart just teleported into the Rich Texan’s office where she exposited for a while, before he told us he was going to dance, then danced.  I realize that sentence makes no sense to anyone who hasn’t seen this episode, but, trust me, you’re not missing anything.

- Lisa discovers there’s a fracking site in the neighborhood by looking at a satellite picture.  Why?  Because they’re keeping people away with a sign that says “Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame”.  How did she never notice this building that is in her neighborhood?  Don’t ask.  But they compound it by having her praise women’s basketball, which makes the whole thing make even less sense.

- Also too, the kids just walked into the building.  Then Burns and Smithers pull up in a cart and Burns begins explaining things to Lisa.  Is there any reason for him to do this?  No.  Is it the opposite of something Burns would actually do?  Yes.

- Lisa then exposits the existence of Maxine Lombard, a Nancy Pelosi type voiced by Jane Fonda.  I miss Mary Bailey.

- After a really boring and repetitive hearing, Burns just barged into her office for a slow, cliche filled fall in love moment between Burns and Not Pelosi.  They apparently slept on the floor under a flag for some reason.

- Hey, how about another non-sequitor?  Now Burns needs to buy the mineral rights under Evergreen Terrace.  How do we know this?  Because he just told us.  Does it have anything to do with his romance with whatshername?  Of course not.  Jebus this script is sloppy.

- And, right on cue, Burns picks Homer to be his salesman.

- We then get a series of quick cuts of Homer being good at his new job.  It ate some time.

- Marge and Lisa are opposed to this, of course, with Marge reminding that “the water was on fire”.  She will be saying this a lot.

- Homer wins some kind of debate with Frink (don’t ask) and now everyone has sold their mineral rights.  Burns, being Zombie Burns, has second thoughts and asks Homer for relationship advice.

- Homer has the “signed gas leases”, which are all complete except for Marge’s signature not being on one.  This somehow comes as a surprise during a ceremony to turn on the fracking.  Then Burns and whatshername have a breakup as cliched and nonsensical as when they got together.  Also, Smithers is back after a long and unexplained absence.

- Burns was going to fire Homer, but now they’re talking about relationships again.  Then a wrecking ball breaks into Burns Manor because whatshername decided to . . . you know what?  Screw this.  It’s too weird and nonsensical even to recap.

- Hey, there’s an NPR guy who shows up, tells us his name, and then wanders off.

- Now Burns and Homer are turning the fracking machine back on out of revenge or something.

- Want to know what’s happening?  The show will gladly tell you:

Marge: Is one of the side effects of fracking earthquakes?
Lisa: Yes.

Glad we cleared that up.

- Jane Fonda just showed back up out of nowhere

- And Marge just repeated the water thing for the sixth time or so.  Oh, and now Homer’s burning down the fracking thingie and it explodes.

- Because the ending was apparently not explained enough already, Burns is helpfully expositing it some more.

- And it ends with Burns and whatshername in bed being boring to run out the clock.  What a mess.

Anyway, the numbers are in and, sans football, they are expectedly terrible.  Just 4.24 million people wished they were seeing Burns run his Slant Drilling Company again.  That’s the lowest of the young season and good for #7 on the all time least watched list.

There’s a very clear dichotomy now between the weeks when FOX has a late NFL game and when they don’t.  The three episodes this year with a football lead were watched by 8.50 million, 7.34 million, and 7.64 million viewers.  The two episodes without a football lead in were watched by 4.32 and 4.24 million viewers.  FOX does have a late national game next week for the Futurama crossover, so I fearlessly predict that episode will get somewhere in the 7 million viewers range.  And while I’m still expecting the renewal notice any day, the show clearly can’t stand on its own anymore.


Behind Us Forever: Simpsorama

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“Some Bart Simpson dolls!” – Fry
“Eat my shorts.” – Bart Simpson Doll
“Okay.   Mmm, shorts.” – Bender

Well, the Futurama crossover finally happened.  It had a few good jokes here and there, which is above average for Zombie Simpsons, but mostly it was a mess and suffered from the same kinds of crossover problems we all so recently suffered through with Family Guy: cramming in as many characters from Futurama as possible, whether or not putting them there is funny or necessary.  It’s a thing that happened, a little footnote to both shows that will never be confused with the cream of either canon.

- I love Hedonismbot, but that couch gag was way too long.  The tag “A Show Out of Ideas Teams Up With a Show Out of Episodes” is easily the best joke in the episode, though.

- We open with Skinner telling the students they have to put something in a time capsule.  Then Chalmers appears from nowhere to fire a spitwad at Skinner.  This is not a promising start.

- Chalmers just pulled a TV-VCR combo from out of nowhere.

- The time capsule ceremony was just interrupted by an instant rain storm for some reason.

- Bender just fell out of the sky during a thunderstorm.  Which lead to a full minute of Homer and Bart trying to find him in the basement.  They settled on hanging Bart upside down from a rope for some reason.  Then they pointlessly smacked him around for ten seconds.

- Now we’re at Moe’s.  Bender belched fire.

- The premise here is that Bender and Homer are friends.  It’s charming enough, though predictably dumb.

- Hey, how about some fan service?:

Lisa: You know, they look a little similar.
Bart: Yeah, like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on it.
Lisa: A little lazy, if you ask me.

- Lisa took Bender to see Frink.  Frink reboots Bender.  Now Bender’s supposed to kill Homer, who just showed up after not being there until now.

- Writing “Crossovers Are Hell” on the wall in the future was nice.  Even if it’s not funny for the reason they think it is.

- I guess it’s nice that these mutant rabbits are another nod to Groening, but color me unsurprised that they went with mass chaos for their crossover.

- More fourth wall jokes with Zoidberg.

- They had to get Fry and Leela (and the Professor) back in time somehow, I get that.  But it’s very out of character for Leela want to kill Homer.  Obviously she doesn’t actually do it, but it’s pretty weird nevertheless.

- Heh: “Okay, but remember, to me you’re incredibly stupid.”

- Hey, it’s Seymour!  The fan service is pointless and not that funny, but it’s easily the best part of this thing.

- Homer and Bender are asleep on the couch together for yet more fan service.

- Ugh, this scene where they’re trying to figure out who to kill really drags on.

- I get that crossover stories are weird, but having the plot keep popping out of Bender’s ass is still dumb.

- Case in point, now we’re flashing back to the beginning with the time capsule.  This isn’t that complicated, but we’re getting reminded of it just because.

- “In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.”  That was funny.

- They drove to the time capsule and then Willie showed up for some reason.

- Bender’s ass just gave us our brief and pointless appearances from Amy and Scruffy.

- Everyone but Bender and Maggie just got sucked into the future for some reason.

- Oof, the animation on Homer strangling Bart here is really weird.  They drew Bart the same size as all the little creatures.

MiniBart

 

- It was weird for Leela to want to kill, but why on Earth would Marge think Homer can fix a generator in the future?

- And now Hedonismbot showed up again for some reason.

- I could cite a bunch of different examples, but if you want an idea of how much of a mess this episode is, just noodle this series of events:

Lisa: If there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s manipulate Barts.
Bart: You’re nuts.  I’ve got a will of iron.
Leela: [Turns on Hypnotoad]

It’s doesn’t make sense, but it did cram something from Futurama in.

- Back in Springfield, Bender just blew up a racehorse.

- More pointless fan service: Lisa playing a holophoner.

- Oh, and all the Barts just got rounded up.

- Heh: “Wow, it’s working!  I guess the instructions were in English.”

- Now Bender just shuts himself down for 1000 years.

- I suppose Kang and Kodos needed to meet Lrrr and Ndnd.

- There are some good sign gags in this credit/opening sequence at the end, including a Stonecutter headquarters, “Eat My Shorts” written in the alien language, and Freeze Frame Industries.

Anyway, the numbers are in and I was apparently being too optimistic last week when I predicted 7 million viewers.  Even with the football lead in, just 6.59 million people wished they’d done this episode fifteen years ago.  FOX has a late national game again next week, but after that it’s two weeks with no late football.  I’ll be curious to see whether or not they even bother to broadcast new episodes.


Behind Us Forever: Blazed and Confused

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Last Tap Dance in Springfield3

“Camp is gonna be great!  Seven days without parents, homework or ear medicine!” – Milhouse van Houten 

The best thing to say about this episode is that at least the designers and animators had some fun (including David Silverman, who even got a line!).  Other than that, this one was a cheerless, contradictory mess.  There’s a new teacher, who’s some kind of psychotic, rule crazy nutjob, but who nevertheless is a regular at “Blazing Guy”, a Burning Man parody so uncreative that they actually tried to make fun of themselves for it.  Nothing we see of this guy would indicate that he would want to be so much as near “Blazing Guy”, but he’s in line for the great honor of setting the big statue on fire.  Was Zombie Simpsons making a point about not assuming what type of people might attend Burning Man?  Of course not.  In their world, him being an uptight prick in the first half of the episode has nothing to do with the second anyway.

- Decent (and short) couch gag for once.

- This show has deteriorated to the point that Chalmers yelling is now considered a go to gag.

- This teacher swapping scene isn’t a terrible idea, but dear sweet Jebus is the execution dumb.  Chalmers yelling and being afraid of this teacher doesn’t make a lick of sense, precludes them from making actual jokes, and makes this guy’s introduction serious instead of, you know, comedic.

- Oh, look, Willem Dafoe is back.  Also, he just cut his face for no reason.  Hi-larious.

- Bart has constructed a prank in the closet with a remote controlled car and a skeleton.  Enjoy it, because this episode moves so slowly they’re going to show it to us twice.

- Now Dafoe is hassling Nelson, who is helpfully expositing everything.

- He just gave Bart a haircut, so naturally the next one minute of screen time (at the Simpson dinner table) will be a rehash of that.

- Marge says that Bart should’ve gotten a balloon with his haircut.  Bart then has a balloon.  Hacktacular!

- And here’s the big swerve.  Marge mentions that there’s a camping trip.  She also asked Homer to book a reservation.  This makes so little sense that the show has Marge weep and exposit it.

- Now the teacher just punched through the blackboard.  Don’t ask.

- Then Milhouse stuck his nose through the hole.  Please continue not asking.

- Bart just got electrocuted with lots of sad music playing.  It’s weird.

- Milhouse just plugged New Zealand’s film industry for some reason.

- Bart helpfully tells us that he set up a camera in the teacher’s lounge.  That leads Lassen (which is the name they gave this guy) to helpfully exposit that he wants to talk to Miss Hoover on-line.  Bart then exposits that he’s created a fake profile for Miss Hoover, which means they can now see Lassen’s profile.  Everybody got all that?

- Meanwhile, Homer is on the phone begging for a campsite reservation.  Then Jason from the Friday the 13th movies shows up, murders the park ranger Homer’s talking to, and listens while Homer describes his house and his “pretty wife”.  It’s also weird.

- Bart and Milhouse are now sitting outside.  After Nelson and Lassen show up real quick for no reason, Milhouse helpfully pushes the plot forward by telling us that photos of Lassen were taken at “Blazing Guy”.  He then asks what that is before saying “Oh, that’s convenient” as he clicks on a video that explains it.

- The neo-hippie in the video explains that “this year’s” guy who ignites the statue is Lassen.  While he’s doing this, the statue, already on fire, burns in the background.  Shit like this is why I call the writing lazy.  There’s no need for that.  It isn’t a “cheat”; it doesn’t move the story forward; it isn’t a joke.  It’s just sloppy.  Either nobody noticed or nobody cared, and neither speaks well for the quality of the show.

- Bart then exposits that if they go there and film him, he’ll get revenge.  This also makes no sense, and Lassen’s profile already has such pictures, but whatever.

- Marge and Lisa are packing for the camping trip that for some reason she still assumes is going to happen.  Bart and Homer then show up to stage whisper to each other about going to “Blazing Guy” instead.  Marge and Lisa are still in the room and might’ve noticed this, but Zombie Simpsons doesn’t care about that.

- In the car, Marge reminds everyone that she doesn’t know where they’re going.

- For no reason and with no consequences, the family tent just blows away.  Because this show has the attention span of an inch worm, we knew it was going to happen because a random guy popped up to tell us that it would first.

- And Marge just got high on tea offered to her by a stranger.

- And now there’s a new tent.

- Ugh, they just panned over a bunch of “Blazing Guy” musicians while Lisa narrated who they are.

- Here’s another example of how shallow and pointless all of this is.  When Lisa first sees where they are, she happily declares it, “A world of anarchic free expression!”.  A few scenes later, we see her playing her sax in a drum circle, where she is quickly joined by more musicians who it seems like might be stepping on her toes.  (This is also David Silverman’s cameo.)  But instead of adding some depth to “Blazing Guy” by saying that maybe all the anarchy can get annoying, or that Lisa actually loves it, or anything else, they just exit Silverman stage right and move on.  The sum total of the Zombie Simpsons take on “Blazing Guy” is that people dress and act weird.

- Remember the plot?  The episode just had Bart and Milhouse spying on Lassen, including Bart helpfully reminding us of what they were doing.

- Marge being stoned gives them their excuse to eat some clock with a trippy montage.  Not before Homer gets hurt in the crotch and Bart reminds us again of why they’re there.

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  Bart and Milhouse are wandering around and Bart finds some “fire retardant”.  He tells us what the cans are, even though it’s stenciled on the side of each one.  This is this episode’s “opens a box of flesh eating ants”.  Bart then explains how it will work.

- Unnoticed by anyone, Bart has now sprayed the giant statue with “fire retardant”.

- Oof, Lassen is now using David Silverman’s tuba to shoot fire at Bart and chase him around.  And then Homer fires himself out of a catapult to collapse the statue.

- Yet more evidence that Zombie Simpsons cannot sustain a thought for more than a few seconds, Marge is high again, and even asks when the tea will get out of her system.  Not two minutes ago we saw her sober and talking with Homer.  But, hey, they wanted to go back to trippy montage, so why not?

- We get one final scene where Chalmers and Skinner fire Lassen.  It too is exposited:

Chalmers: So, where do you go from here?
Lassen: A place where my talents will be appreciated.

Turns out he’s a prison guard now.  And Sideshow Bob is there for a very brief cameo.

Anyway, the numbers are in and they’re pretty much the same as last week’s.  Yesterday, just 6.64 million people wished they had whatever drugs Marge was on to get them through that snoozefest.  That’s in line with what we’ve come to expect from episodes with football lead ins.  Next week, the late national game is on CBS, so it’ll doubtlessly be much lower.


Behind Us Forever: I Won’t Be Home For Christmas

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Marge Be Not Proud10

“Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.” – Lisa Simpson
“Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.” – Bart Simpson

According to IMDb, this is the first whole episode Al Jean’s written in a long time.  Sadly, it didn’t seem to matter.  Homer goes on one zany little escapade after another, there’s plenty of expository nonsense, several musical montages that seem designed to do nothing more than eat clock (efforts at which fell so short that they added a preview of the next episode to help fill all twenty of their contractually obligated minutes), and the usual Zombie Simpsons problems.

- It’s probably longer than it needs to be, but this Christmas themed opening is actually a nice change of pace.  There’s even some freeze frame fun (all the Jewish characters are eating at the Chinese restaurant).

- The Peanuts reference to open the episode at least didn’t take long.  It didn’t have anything to do with anything else, but it was short.

- The Comic Book Guy thing with the Star Wars Holiday Special, however, did take too long and didn’t have anything to do with anything else.

- Bizarre kookiness starts early here, with Marge telling Bart to hold the ladder she’s using to trim the tree only to look down and see Maggie!  She falls, then laments out loud that Homer isn’t there.  Why did she think Bart was there?  C’mon, that was like four seconds ago, who can possibly remember that far into the past?

- Burns shows up for no reason to talk to Homer.  Then Smithers appears out of nowhere.

- The clip from Miracle on 34th Street is weirdly out of place.

- Homer’s at Moe’s because Moe made him crash his car (don’t ask), then is going to leave before Moe begs and screams at him to take pity on him and stay.  The obvious repetition is what’s supposed to make this funny, I guess, but that’s all it is: hey, Moe screaming and crying is funny, let’s keep at it!  That this is just the usual “Moe the Sad Sack” stuff makes it lamer still.

- Now Moe is telling us that he’s wrapped around Homer’s leg, and now he’s up on Homer’s shoulders.  Oof, this just keeps going.

- Moe was briefly happy, so he stabbed himself in the head with a corkscrew.

- Now Marge is telling us what’s happening, “One night, the one night of the year I want Homer home with his family, and he can’t even do that.”

- Then Marge tells us what she’s about to say.  Did anyone edit this?

- Homer’s driving around now, finds Moe’s closed, then goes to the Kwik-E-Mart where he spends the better part of a minute buying lottery tickets.

- This is what passes for a setup these days, “Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu.  Is there any other product in the store you’d like to warn me about?”.  Such natural dialogue!

- Bart can’t get to sleep, so Lisa conveniently walks in to help put him to sleep by telling him the story of jazz.  But Lisa wants to talk to Bart, so her doing that for him directly contradicts what she came in there for and then does.  But it did eat ten seconds or so.

- Huh?:

Lisa: Bart this is the year I’ve got to nail Christmas.  I don’t want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you.

That leads to a flashback involving Homer getting electrocuted.  More importantly, what the hell is Lisa talking about?  That doesn’t sound like her or him.

- Bart then recaps the flashback, in case anyone missed it.

- More filler: this time, they play “Carol of the Bells” for ten seconds while Marge strings popcorn. Then they cut to Maggie eating it.

- Bart has a pipe, everyone’s awake late at night, and Moe just came down through the chimney for no reason whatsoever.

- After some desultory exposition about why Moe wouldn’t have knocked, Moe tells us that he’s the reason Homer was late.

- Marge then continues on the expository filler theme, “This is what I was hoping for, for it not to have been completely his fault.”

- Moe then kisses Marge because there’s mistletoe.  She calls Homer, who is now getting his car towed for some reason.

- Homer’s now wandering around the outdoor mall as more music plays.

- Homer then gets to a movie theater.  Sign gags being one of the few things they can still sometimes do, it’s “The Screens at the Shops At Towne Centre At Springfielde Glenne”.  That’s pretty good.

- Then we get into Homer setting up the sarcastic guy to tell him about all the depressing Christmas movies.

- Homer goes into the movie, where Gil, Kirk and some other people are there being alone on Christmas.  Homer then leaves.  So . . . that was pointless.

- Homer and Flanders then talk and bond, or something.

- Homer bought something from Flanders left handed kiosk, which lead to this:

Flanders: But why?
Homer: Because Jerkass Homer has become Assjerk Homer.

I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

- Now they’re hugging.  Then Homer runs away.  Even by Zombie Simpsons standards this is disjointed.

- Marge and the kids then went to the retirement home.  All the old people pop out to talk to them and it’s supposed to be after midnight by now, but we did get the Old Jewish Man saying “Make them turn the TV to CBS”, which is decent.

- Homer is woken up by a Nutcracker guy who turns out to be a mall employee who invites Homer to some bizarre mall party.

- Yet more piano music as Marge and the kids walk through a neon sign store that was supposed to be a montage.  It’s like two kinds of clock eating filler at once!

- Apparently they’re at the mall now, too.  I guess they ditched the old people?

- A giant gingerbread house just partially collapsed on Homer.  Carry on.

- Marge then appears, with a bow on her head, and says she’s Homer’s present tonight.  I, uh, whatever.

- And we (sort of) end on Homer making that beep-beep noise cars make when you lock them.

- We then get yet another musical moment of Maggie making a paper cutout and putting it on the tree.

- And then, because those twenty minutes won’t fill themselves, God and Jesus have a short argument.

- And then (x2), because this thing still isn’t long enough, there’s some kind of preview for next week’s episode that’s mostly a bunch of alien babies being born.

Anyway, the numbers are in and while they’re up from a non-football Sunday, they’re down from previous football Sundays.  Last night just 6.41 million viewers wondered when the last time the show had a decent Christmas episode was.  That’s down slightly from the last two episodes that had NFL lead ins, and may be the last football lead in of the year depending on how the playoffs get scheduled for TV.


Behind Us Forever: Bart’s New Friend

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This Little Wiggy6

“Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it, but we pressed it anyway!  And we ran and we hid in a giant tire, oh yeah, and my other friend was already there!” – Homer Simpson

In yet another desperate bid for attention, Zombie Simpsons has once again hitched its cart to a more currently successful person.  In this case, it’s Judd Apatow (who wrote a couple of good episodes of The Critic back in the day), who dusted off an old spec script he wrote twenty odd years ago.  The premise is that Homer gets hypnotized and thinks he’s Bart’s age.  I’ll just say this: there’s a reason this didn’t get made when the show was good, and it’s not because Apatow wasn’t famous then.

- Oof, that couch gag took an awful long time.

- And we get an early start on this week’s unnecessary exposition with Homer singing to himself about walking.

- So there’s another safety inspector?  I’m sure glad he and Homer repeated who he was and what he did several times.  I never would’ve caught it in one.

- The book titles are pretty good, “The Core: Mistress of Death”.  As usual, the sign gags are the best thing here.

- Lenny and Carl were there, then they weren’t.

- Now Lenny’s back.

- Ah, that’s good exposition, unneeded, nonsensical, the whole megillah: “You need to relax.  So, I got us all tickets to see the circus on Saturday.”

- Homer is ranting about parking now.  It’s like they believe that the famous phrase is “tell, don’t show” instead of the other way around.

- I get that the sideshow signs are Apatow references, but reminding the audience about the existence of Funny People isn’t a good idea.  I gave up on that movie halfway through and have never talked to a single person who liked it.

- So, Marge needed to explain to Homer that she had to use the port-a-potty, why, exactly?

- “No, I’m not”/”Yes you are” just keeps going, doesn’t it?

- “Mom, Dad’s been hypnotized to think he was ten.” – Thanks, Exposition Lisa!

- “Buddy Ebsen Died Here” on the hospital sign is pretty good.  Sadly, this episode would probably be funnier on mute.

- Hey, a briefly popped eyeball.

- I’ll give them this, 10-year-old Homer is at least a novel take on Jerkass Homer.  It’s not funny or entertaining or anything, but he’s never been an asshole quite like this.

- Culottes were funny that one time; here, not so much,

- Uh, why is Homer at the school?

- Naturally, Chalmers is there.  Remember when he was the superintendent?  Good times.

- They’re reusing the happy music from “Treehouse of Horror II” when Bart and Homer bond.  It was ironic then.  It’s kinda ironic now, but in a different way.

- Also, Chalmers and Skinner are back.

- Speaking of re-used music, Lisa’s playing “Baker Street“.

- “Lis, you know how Dad thinks he’s a ten-year-old?”/”I’ve been emotionally dealing with that all week, so, yes.” We just saw Lisa have fun with Homer.  Also too, unnecessary exposition.

- And now Bart’s explaining what we just saw.

- Now they’re at Itchy & Scratchy Land for some reason.  That was unexpected.

- The MST3K robots on the amusement park ride are a nice touch, though once again the best parts of this episode have nothing to do with its story and work fine without any sound whatsoever.

- Incidentally, if you ever do get suckered into going to Disney’s California Adventure park, the Soarin’ Over California ride is one of the few things really worth doing.  It’s a lot more entertaining in person than as filler in Zombie Simpsons.

- Marge, Chief Wiggum, Lou, and the hypnotist just showed up out of nowhere.  How did they find Bart and Homer?  Enh. At least Wiggum re-explained things.

- And Homer’s back to normal now, though he also recapped things.

- I guess the “Je Suis Charlie” thing is a nice gesture, but why was it in between the end of the story and this weird Marvel thing they needed to fill the contractually obligated runtime?

- Huh, that was Stacy Keach at the beginning.

Anyway, the numbers aren’t in for some reason, but given the lack of late football on FOX and competition from yet another awards show, I wouldn’t expect much.  I’ll update after TV By the Numbers does.


Behind Us Forever: The Man Who Came to Be Dinner

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Behind the Laughter4

“Are you going to need us tonight?” – Kang
“I had ballet tickets!  Not that they’ll do much good now.” – Kodos 

It’s now clear that Al Jean and David Mirkin (who co-wrote), and David Silverman (who directed), would much rather be working on Futurama than Zombie Simpsons, and I don’t blame them.  Like various Star Treks, that show gave its writers and directors a functionally unlimited amount of creative leeway.  Need to make fun of something?  Make up a new planet or a new species or a new anything and there you go.  Zombie Simpsons, on the other hand, is rigidly straight-jacketed by twenty plus seasons of stories and the need to keep the show basically the same as it’s always been lest habitual viewers lose interest.  The very existence of Futurama is a testament to the fact that Groening and company were getting bored with The Simpsons after ten seasons; and now, after sixteen more years, Jean and Mirkin seem to feel the same way.

So, what was this thing?  Well, it was either a relatively creative episode of Zombie Simpsons or a relatively weak episode of Futurama, depending on how you look at it.  To give you an example, near the end, Homer uses the same Dickens quote that Shatner does at the end of Star Trek 2.  It’s not even trying to be funny or anything, but as a Star Trek reference, it’s outstanding and a very Futurama thing to do.

None of this story needed the Simpson family to be there, and the whole thing would’ve been less awkward generally with the Planet Express crew than residents of Springfield, but what are you gonna do?  That show got cancelled, this one is still on, and it’s not like having Kang and Kodos in a regular episode is going to lower anyone’s respect for the show or defile it’s history.  That damage was done long ago.  Tacitly acknowledging that by discarding all the rules for an episode about a weird alien planet that’s crammed full of sci-fi references and sign gags is fine by me.  I’ll even go so far as to say that this is the best episode of Zombie Simpsons since probably “Trilogy of Error” back in Season 12.  It’s weird and chaotic, but for once those things are intentional.  Well done, Messrs Jean, Mirkin and Silverman.

– Couch gag is relatively brief, always a plus, and actually works with “Pictures at an Exhibition”.

– I understand that the “Are We There Yet” scene is meant to be a callback, but there’s way too much drawn out Homer aggravation.

– Ethnic Princess section is pretty good, but didn’t need Marge to exposit it.  This will be a repeated problem.

– As a counter example to the above, the State of Mickey (or whatever) with a sign advertising $7 pretzels only works because nobody read it out loud.

– The bug scene wasn’t bad, and there is a certain catchiness to “Certain death awaits if you get off the bug”.

– As usual, the pre-explanations of the jokes never help.  Yoda saying “Purchased for $4 billion, I was” is just fine on it’s own without first reminding everyone that Disney owns Star Wars now.

– The busty figurehead reading “Our Bodies, Ourselves” and the rest of the politically correct Pirates of the Caribbean ride is the same.  Really didn’t need Lisa explaining it when they already had a sign that said “Politically Correct”.  One is enough.

– Look, a sign gag that works and didn’t have anyone explaining it:

No Shareholder Questions

– This thing with everyone getting melted in the Cool Zone is very Futurama-ish.

– Ditto the screams of terror from the people on the “Let-Go Loop”.

– The sign gags are actually decent:

Anglophobia

– “The kind of fun that attractive families have in commercials” isn’t bad.

– And the “Continue Spending” sign being pulled by the plane during the cutaway to the bench line works too.

– And we’re going into space on a flying saucer.  When they disconnect the rest of the episode from the opening these days, they really disconnect it.

– And in the first of what will be many, many, many Star Trek references, there’s the bridge noise from the original series.

– “This isn’t Halloween!”, we know.

– Okay, it was a little expository, but I did like “easily reassured fool”.

– Oof, this potato chip scene with the Blue Danube playing goes on way too long for a callback to Season 5.

– Stuff like flying past a game of Asteroids, also very Futurama-y.

– Though I could’ve done without Homer repeatedly chopping off his own hand, and then growing one on Marge’s head.

– I’m going to assume the symbols on those animated billboards (“Have your cups lost their suck?”) is also a Star Trek reference.  Klingon, maybe?

– So, that was a little weird.  The lights just went out and Kodos turned on a flashlight, then the lights were back on.

– “We have federal rebates for the panels, but few take advantage of them.”

– The multi-birth thing, feh.

– Further cementing my suspicion that this is actually an episode of Futurama, the family is now the attraction at a zoo.  Where have I seen that before?

– More good sign gags that (gasp) didn’t have themselves exposited:

ZooNews

– There’s even an alien doctor who doesn’t know basic human anatomy. Why not Zoidberg?

– Seriously, there’s a FORTRAN joke!  Jean didn’t have FOX goons kidnap David X. Cohen and Ken Keeler, did he?  Have people seen them recently?  Are they okay?

– Putting it to a vote seems like a very un-Marge thing to do.

– And the voting scene goes on too long generally.  Though it was kinda funny that Homer wrote “The Boy”.

– And there’s our ultra obscure Star Trek 2 reference.  Shatner mumbles that line so badly that I didn’t recognize it for a long time and I doubt I’m the only one.

– A lot of the voices don’t sound like themselves anymore, but Shearer’s Vin Scully remains very close to the original.

– “His hobbies include, sitting, lying down, and reaching for things without success.”

– There’s been plenty of the usually “meh” Zombie Simpsons animation here, but this scene with the children’s choir is pretty neat.

– They can’t break all their bad habits, though, “A transporter beam, someone is trying to steal our sacrifice” is about as unnecessary as exposition gets.

– Tell me this doesn’t sound exactly like something Prof. Farnsworth would say, “Space Broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe.”

– This Matrix 2 joke isn’t bad, but didn’t need to be nearly that long.

– There are a lot of freeze frame sign gags here, way more than usual.  The only thing that was close recently was the end credits of the Futurama crossover:

Grindr&MLBReplay

That whole thing is on-screen for less than a second and it’s enjoyably sclerotic and absurd.

– “Seriously, are we listening to the same guy?”

– “Why do you care?  It’s just your sex mate and spermlings.”

– Here’s some good animation combined with more good freeze frame sign gags:

Desires

They pop in quickly enough that while you can see them, there’s no way you could read “The Complete Works of Shakespeare Made of Chocolate” without pausing.  Also, that is dead Rod and Todd there, which is way bleaker and darker than you normally see on Zombie Simpsons.

– And while this thing is really unevenly paced overall, it moves well here at the end.  Homer going back to save his family obviously isn’t going to work, but they don’t draw it out at all, just hard cutting to “All will be eaten”.

– The glaze thing, on the other hand, takes forever.

– This ending kinda drags, though.

– But on the good side, this “So it will be as if none of this ever happened” callback is the only one.  They don’t repeat it ad nauseum like, oh, say, “Everything fits together” yada yada.

– They’ve now dropped any remaining Star Trek subtlety, but it’s kinda fun.

– “Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.”

– I try not to be a sucker for cheap fan service, but Clausen hits one out of the park with this Star Trek version of the ending theme.

– And posing all their characters in Star Trek scenes was a nice send off.

I mean what I said about “Trilogy of Error” above.  Like that one, “The Man Who Came to Be Dinner” is deeply unusual in a way that even their three-part “storytelling” episodes aren’t.  Aliens, melted tourists, a panoply of Star Trek stuff, it’s generally more bizarre than it is outright funny, but none of it is any weirder than, say, killer robots, talking bar rags, popped eyeballs, and the host of other assorted shit they’ve done.  At least this time they’re acknowledging it instead of asking us to take them seriously.

Helpfully, it is almost completely devoid of the string music of suspense and the weird seriousness that drags down so many Zombie Simpsons episodes.  They acknowledge right at the start that wacky and (appropriately enough for Star Trek) non-canon stuff is going to happen, so even when Homer or the family is in danger of getting eaten, it’s played as 100% silly with no pretending there’s any real danger or drama.

None of which is to say that it doesn’t have problems.  This is still Zombie Simpsons we’re talking about, so there’s the usual array of them: too much exposition, half-hearted slap stick, general filler, etcetera.  But like “Trilogy of Error” and unlike most Zombie Simpsons episodes, this one had a premise and stuck to it.  That premise may have been crazy and weird, but a lot more care and thought were put into this than most, and it shows.

Anyway, the numbers are in, and I can just let TV by the Numbers explain:

The Simpsons earned a adults 18-49 rating, up 59 percent from a 2.9 for its most recent original episode. It was the show’s highest rated episode since January 5, 2014, when it also followed a playoff game.

Last night, 10.51 million people wished Futurama had gotten another season.  This is why networks like FOX pay such ridiculous amounts of money for football.  Sadly for the numbers, however, both of FOX’s remaining Sunday games are early and won’t lead in to primetime.  But for once, the numbers are good, and even more unusually, there was something sort of worth watching.



Behind Us Forever: The Musk Who Fell to Earth

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The Old Man and the Lisa15

“Eww, this place has got old man stink!” – Hitman
“Oh.” – C.M. Burns
“Don’t listen to him, sir.  You’ve got an enchanting musk.” – Mr. Smithers

I never bothered to watch the Lady Gaga episode a second time, so this comparison may be a little looser than I think it is, but the Elon Musk episode sure felt a lot like it.  A mega famous person arrives out of nowhere in Springfield (Gaga in a giant train, Musk in a spaceship that lands in the Simpsons backyard), crazy shit happens for a little while, then the mega famous person leaves.  There isn’t anything that remotely resembles story, conflict or satire, and the jokes, for whatever little they’re worth, are mostly just exaggerated plays on that mega famous person.  Lady Gaga had a crazy bra, Elon Musk has self packing luggage, har har.

Even by Zombie Simpsons standards, this one was disorganized and scatterbrained, so buckle up.

– No couch gag.

– Homer just showed up to hold up a quarter against an eagle.

– Marge is here now too.

– The Eagle has Maggie, and now Homer is punching it.

– “Ha ha, stupid eagle, it wasn’t the mouse we were after, it was you!”

– Oh, good, the broom vs. eagle fight is continuing.

– Homer’s eyeball popped out.

– So, Homer trained the eagle for four weeks?

– And now Elon Musk is descending in a space pod.

– Homer is weeping and bowing now.  This is more schizo than usual.

– Lisa is now explaining who Musk is.

– “So, what brings you to Springfield, Mr. Musk?”  Exposition Marge is here for us.

– After Musk explains why he’s here, Homer asks him if he’s interested in visiting him at the plant.  Musk replies, “I am, and I will”.

– Lisa just read out loud what Musk wrote on a piece of paper.  This is also going slower than usual.

– I was going to try to explain what’s happening now, but Lisa did it for me, “He’s taking your Homerisms and turning them into his own great ideas.”  This will go on for a while.

– Musk and Homer drove by Lou and Wiggum.  There were gunshots.

– Burns is reading suggestions out loud.

– Burns is being happy and nice, always his best traits.

– This Imaginer(sp?) guy interlude was bizarre.

– But it got weirder as Homer and Musk sit on top of the cooling towers.

– Then they hugged.

– “I don’t trust Musk.”  Exposition Smithers is trying to move the plot along.  I do like that he simply told us how he was feeling instead of us getting to see why he thinks that way, though.  It saves time for all the great stuff they’ve got here.

– Smithers just woke Burns up in the middle of the night for some reason.  Then the hounds were released indoors.

– So, everyone has self driving cars now.  That was unexpected.

– I didn’t see this musical interlude coming.

– Burns just informed us that he’s going to have Musk killed.

– Marge and Homer are in bed.  Marge reminded everyone of what’s going on, then Homer described Musk again.

– A bunch of old guys just shot at Musk and Homer.  Then Homer told us what just happened.

– Musk is apparently going back to his home planet now.

– But first he built Bart a real lightsaber.  Okay.

– And, after some zero-g tears, it’s over.  Huh.

Anyway, the numbers are in and they’re about what we expect with no football on.  Last night just 3.40 million people wondered why Elon Musk wasn’t doing something more interesting with his time.  That’s good for #4 on the all time least watched list and doesn’t auger well for the remaining ten or so episodes this season.


Behind Us Forever: Walking Big & Tall

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Trash of the Titans8

“Well, this man doesn’t crawl, he stands tall!  That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes.  Admit it!” – Homer Simpson

Another week, another structurally messy, weirdly lifeless, exposition heavy, joke lite episode of Zombie Simpsons.  They open with a flashback to “30 years ago” when Hans Moleman was mayor and all the current adults were kids.  They sing a crappy song, have a montage, sing it some more, then Bart and Lisa are commissioned to write a new song.  After all that, Marge sends Homer to a support group for people to lose weight, but he ends up at a support group for people who don’t want to lose weight.  Wacky hijinks ensue, each one more fully explained to the audience than the last.  It ends with a montage of Homer gaining and losing weight.  If you haven’t watched it, you’re not alone.

– The couch gag was, uh, kinda weird.

– So the gag here in the past is that everyone had more hair?

– Also, this song is really bad.

– And now we’re in multi-city song montage because this was supposed to be funny.

– Got to our pointless, nonsensical self-voice celebrity early this week.  And they were nice enough to introduce him in their usually lazy manner: he appears from nowhere, then someone shouts his name to let us all know who he is.  This time it was Otto, “Pharell Williams!”.  Thanks, Otto.

– And he’s gone, riding backwards out of town on a horse.  Well, at least that didn’t take too long.

– The weird reminiscence about “Stark Raving Dad” was kinda strange.

– Montage!

– But this montage got interrupted by Homer asking Bart what he was doing and Bart replying that he was writing a song.  Well done, Zombie Simpsons, usually you don’t have explicit exposition in the middle of a dialogue free montage.

– And they ended it with more needless explaining: “We did it, we wrote an awesome song!”

– The new song is also bad, and they had Bart and Lisa’s instruments disappear for no reason.

– So the song ends, and everyone stands up and claps.  Homer is stuck in his seat, tries to get out, and can’t.  Just in case, though, Exposition Marge says “Homer, it’s a standing ovation, get up.”  They really can’t help themselves.

– And now Homer is flinging a bench of seats around and tossing people across the room.  Also, there is screaming and exposition as Homer yells, “Stop fearing me!”.

– It just keeps going!  Homer: “Can’t you say something to help me feel better?”/Marge: “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

– Marge just pulled a pamphlet from her hair.

– Homer is asking Comic Book Guy about the fat pride group.  Nice of them to explain things before we see them.  Otherwise we might be confused.

– “Now repeat after me”, there’s a phrase this episode could’ve done without.

– Guh, “I’ve always wanted to blindly follow somebody, and I think you just might be the guy”.

– Homer just got home and explained what we just heard him say.  Now they’re expositing the exposition.  If the universe collapses in on itself today, this may be why.

– Homer and Marge are “arguing” in the living room by restating what happened and telling us how they feel.

– Homer is listing fat insults at Moe’s.  It goes on for a quite some time, and while there are a couple that are okay, it’s mostly the kind of list that a show that hasn’t been phoning things in for over a decade would prune a bit, you know?  Here it’s just filler.

– Chief Wiggum is getting arrested and tased by Lou for some reason.

– Marge just bailed Homer out and restated the plot again.  It’d been almost a minute since that happened, so it was getting hard to remember.

– After the commercial break, Bart and Lisa asked Marge what’s wrong, and she recounted what we just saw.

– And then Bart replies that he and Lisa have learned that they can solve any problem through song.  They know that the script notes aren’t supposed to be recorded as dialogue, right?

– Bart and Lisa wrote a song again, so Marge introduced it by telling us about what we were about to see.

– And that got dropped like a rock, so Marge and Homer are now rehashing the story for the eleventh time or so.

– Homer’s giving a eulogy.  Sadly, it’s not for the series.

– And we end on Homer and Marge walking home and, you guessed it, talking about what just happened again.  Then there’s a montage of Homer’s body changing a bunch of times before we get to the future where Bart is Robocop.  No, I am not making that up.

Anyway, the numbers are in, and they are smoking crater level bad.  Last night, just 2.85 million people wondered whether Zombie Simpsons was trying to affirm or mock fat people.  That is the lowest number at 8:00pm ever, and second lowest all time behind only last year’s “Diggs”, which was broadcast at 7:30 and had 2.65 million viewers.

Granted, the Grammys were apparently on last night (I was kinda surprised they still bother to broadcast those), but that is a seriously bad number.  Just how bad is it?  Well, 60 Minutes, which exists primarily to frighten old people, did better among 18-49 year-olds than Zombie Simpsons.  That’s about as bad as it gets.


Behind Us Forever: My Fare Lady

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Marge Gets a Job13

“Chauffeur, seamstress, curator of large mammals?” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, have you seen my lunch box?” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, I see.” – Marge Simpson

In this episode, Moe leaves Homer in charge of the bar.  Meanwhile, Marge gets a job as a Not Lyft driver.  Then Moe, his bar wrecked, gets a job at the nuclear plant.  Then Homer gets a different job at the nuclear plant.  Then it ends.

On the plus side, they used that awesome pixel opening that hit the internet a couple of weeks back.  Pretty much all downhill from there, though.

– Really was nice of them to use that fan made pixel opening, and it ate up nearly two minutes!

– And speaking of openings, there’s a Jetsons one to eat some more clock.

– “Why Humans Failed” was a nice little reveal to end the Jetsons thing.

– We are off to another rousing expository beginning.  Marge explained what all the kids were doing (we saw them in costume, too!), then Homer described what he was feeling, and now Homer’s at Moe’s and Moe is telling us that he’s tying his apron on while he’s, you guessed it, tying his apron on.

– Montage!

– Wow, this is a really long one.  We just crossed the one minute mark on it and it’s still going strong.

– Back to the exposition: Moe told us about Sideshow Mel getting drunk (we didn’t see it) and now he, Lenny and Carl are talking about a ticket to see a Joan Rivers type we haven’t seen yet.

– Homer is going to be running the bar, apparently.

– Also, Moe just explained a couple of sign gags to us.

– Some Uber/Lyft guy just showed up to tell Marge about the plot.  He will vanish and not come back.

– Marge’s license plate is EP7G08, 7G08 is the production number for “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”.  Huh.

– Lenny, Carl and Homer are going to run a ladies night at Moe’s.  Carl explained what that is, then Lenny thanked him.

– Moe is at the show, and falling in love with the old Hollywood lady.  Meanwhile, Homer and Marge just got new jobs.  They’re using a lot of their tired tropes this week.

– Moe’s is now overrun with women.  Homer and Carl are explaining who they are.  Then there was a brawl.

– Moe just did a comedy “whaa!”, saw his bar was trashed, then explained things.

– Marge’s ride service is off to a rousing start, first the kids were there with Milhouse and Kirk (who popped up out of nowhere, then vanished), then Marge and Shauna explained things we didn’t see:

Shauna: Thanks for the lift. It’s nice to know I can get a ride without having to put out.
Marge: You’re welcome.  If you really want to get your belly button pierced, go see a professional.
Kearney: [who just walked out of a house with a staple gun] I’m ready for you, babe.
Shauna: I’m gonna have this done properly, at a kiosk in the mall.  I’m Shauna.

That’s the whole scene.  It’s like a rejected SNL sketch idea.

– Moe just got a job at the nuclear plant.  Now he’s telling us how he feels.

– Nelson, Willie and Gil have all been in Marge’s car now.

– And . . . driving montage!

– Burns was just talking to Moe, and now there’s a surprise nuclear inspection.

– Well, that ended as quickly as it began, now the inspectors are gone.

– Moe is now supervising sector 7-G and reassigning Homer.  Wacky hijinks, ahoy.

– Homer just got eaten by a giant Venus fly trap.  Such hijinks, such wackiness.

– Moe just got ditched in the cafeteria.  Though there was a mercifully brief callback to the guy who whips Homer to make the cupcake display turn.

– Back to the exposition, Marge just said, “Homer Simpson, working with those plants is great.  It’s helped you get in touch with your feminine side.” That lead to Homer screaming for no reason and setting plants on fire in the front yard.

– Yet another driving montage.  This makes three.  The only difference is that this one is an expository song.

– But even an expository song won’t stop them from more expository dialogue, Marge just recapped the montage, “Moe, I think we’d both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs.”

– Now other cabbies, who we saw for one brief scene where they talked about being cabbies, have surrounded Marge.  Then Moe showed up with a shotgun.

– And we end on Moe, alone at his rebuilt bar, getting talked to by the giant Lyft mouth Marge hung on the mirror.  Seems about right.

Anyway, the numbers are in and they are just as atrocious as we’d expect.  Last night just 2.75 million people wondered how many “new job!” plots they could squeeze into one episode.  (The answer, if you count Homer watering plants, is four.)  That replaces last week’s “Walking Big & Tall” as #2 on the least watched list, trailing only last year’s 7:30 broadcast of “Diggs”.  That one came in at 2.65, so we may see it dethroned if the rest of the season goes on like this.


Behind Us Forever: The Princess Guide

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Dumbbell Indemnity9

“I’m sorry, Homer.  It’s just, it’s been four years since my last date with a whatchacallit . . . a woman.” – Moe

Another week, another Zombie Simpsons episode.  This one starts with “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”, which means Lisa gets to go to the power plant again.  That doesn’t last long, however, as Burns suddenly needs uranium and begins negotiating with a Nigerian king (yes, you read that correctly).  In the meantime, the king’s daughter is going to be looked after by Homer.  The daughter wants to go out and see the town, but ends up inexplicably hanging around with Moe before inexplicably not hanging out with Moe.

In other words, this episode combines Sad Sack Moe with Incompetent Burns.  Also, Jon Lovitz had a line as some kind of paparazzi, and I think Bart’s only line was in the opening scene.  It’s a mess.

– Well, the couch gag was short.

– Decent headline gag on “Hurricane Consuela Stopped At U.S. Border”.

– Pretty sure they got rid of take your daughter to work day two decades ago.  Love the topical humor.

– Burns and Smithers just had a brief conversation while they were still on stage in front of everyone.

– Oh, good, a clone of Burns is being used as a background gag.

– Uh, Richard Branson is apparently Burns’ neighbor?

– We’re two minutes in and there have been about four cutaways.  This is a Family Guy-esque pace.

– Montage of lunchroom trading.

– We’re getting a huge dose of weak, incompetent Burns this week.  It’s not great.

– Now Burns is giving Homer instructions at the top of a hotel on baby sitting a Nigerian princess.  We’re five minutes in with fifteen to go.  This is gonna get weird.

– Marge is on the phone with Homer explaining what’s going on.  Love when that happens.

– First the princess wanted to go out, then she and Homer watched TV for a while, then she asked to go out again and now they’re going out.  This all happened sequentially.

– The princess is putting up with Moe.

– Moe grabbed Homer and dragged him into a back room to tell him about an e-mail scam leading to yet another cutaway, this one with bonus expository narration as Moe tells us what we’re seeing him do.

– And the princess is gone.

– Homer, Gil and Apu all ran up to Wiggum and got locked in his back seat in succession.

– The princess is back at Moe’s now.  Whatever.

– Lenny and Carl apparently bailed Homer out, and now they’re all standing around the jail.

– Moe is still hitting on the princess, then he sent her off to the fridge, then he told us he wants to close.  That was an act break.  Ugh.

– Turns out she was asleep in the back room because . . . nevermind, Moe is doing a Goodnight Moon thing that the princess saw before going back to asleep.

– Smithers just fantasized about him and Burns in Tahiti for the third time.

– The princess just woke up after sleeping in Moe’s stockroom.

– Now they’re montaging across Springfield.

– Princess: “I have a confession to make, this is my first montage”.  Oh, sweetie, it isn’t ours.  Not by a long shot.

– Homer just appeared out of the tire fire to tell Moe that the princess has to go back to the hotel and watch TV.  As a recap, at this point the princess was in the hotel, wanted to go out, got taken to Moe’s, left briefly for no reason, came back, flirted with Moe before voluntarily and unexpectedly sleeping in his stock room, then she woke up and has been in a montage.  This episode has six minutes to go.

– Alright, I’m done.  After a lengthy monologue from a pedicab guy so Moe and the princess could escape Homer, they peddled down the street and she said “Actually, I wanted to go back with him.  I don’t want to get my father mad.”  I’ll let you know if anything interesting happens the rest of the episode.

– 15:30 – Nope

– 16:00 – Still nope.

– 16:30 – Still nothing.

– 17:00 – Zilch, but lots of exposition.

– 17:30 – I’m switching to 1 minute intervals.

– 18:30 – Nothing, but the entire Simpson family teleported into Burns office for no reason.

– 19:30 – Still on.

– 20:30 – Richard Branson is back, nothing is interesting.

– 21:30 – The credits ended!

Anyway, the numbers are in and they remain terrible while not being quite as rock bottom bad as they’ve been.  Last night, just 3.97 million people wondered why they got someone to voice that princess when a cardboard cutout would’ve done fine.  That’s the 14th least watched of all time, but actually qualifies as success given that the previous two episodes were both fractions of a point away from taking the crown.  On the plus side, we probably only have seven left in Season 26.


Behind Us Forever: Waiting for Duffman

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The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson7

“Hey, it’s Duffman, a guy in a costume who creates awareness of Duff!” – Lenny

I was just getting ready to watch last week’s Zombie Simpsons when news of Sam Simon’s death broke.  I guess Wiggum got a jetpack or something.  This week, however, there was nothing to do but plow through it, as Homer got yet another job, this time as Duffman, and quit drinking at the same time.

– Couch gag wasn’t too bad, right up until Homer’s severed head.  Which was weird.

– This bicycle parade just keeps going.  And it’s filled with that really formulaic “setup-beat-punchline” stuff that is the hallmark of uncreative sitcoms, like Lou telling Wiggum not to go into the donut shop, only to have Wiggum immediately go into the donut shop.

– Hospital sign “Wishing You a Cold, Smooth Recovery” is pretty good.

– Brockman’s little broadcast with the Chinese landing on Mars was brief, at least.

– Homer’s explaining why he wants to be Duffman.  I’ll bet this is not the last time we have this explained to us.

– The “America’s Next Top Whatever” game show thing is going on way too long.  This is almost as bad as that American Idol episode they did.

– At least Homer got stabbed in the eye and is bleeding.  Haven’t seen that in a few minutes.

– Oh, another Game of Thrones opening.  They like these, don’t they?

– Homer’s monologue vow thing is really bad and goes on for the better part of a minute.

– Even the old timey beer commercials are long and boring and expositive.

– That aside with the formula and safe certainly ate some time.  So nice of them to put in an object, have someone ask about it, then drop it completely.

– “Duffman can’t drink”, that got repeated several times.

– Now Marge is expositing while Homer moans and beats himself about the head.

– Did they have to have Flanders stare at the camera like that after the t-shirt cannon thing?  Is this what counts as fan service these days?

– Uh, why were Burns and Smithers at this whatever ceremony in costume?  Oh, right, meaningless filler.  Now I remember.

– Montage.

– And a really drawn out scene about there being lots of executives.  That just kept going.

– And now, Homer’s looking at people through a beer telescope from a blimp.

– We dodged a bullet on that blimp fire.  They actually cut away.

– Now, in an attach of conscious that has been preceeded by nothing except a weird blimp ride, Homer is against beer.

– Homer getting away again and again in a race car only to circle back.  I’m actually surprised they stopped at only three.

– “Now, there’s one way out of your hell, prove you still love beer.  Drink this.”  When they have lines, and whole exchanges like this, you know the ending is a mess.

– Now Homer is back at Moe’s because the episode needed to fill some more time.

– And now we’re revisiting the old Duffman.  Oof, this one must’ve come in even shorter than most.

– Nice little Simon tribute, though.

Anyway, the numbers are in and they remain awful.  Last night, just 3.61 million viewers wondered what job Homer was going to get next.  That’s good for #9 on the all time least watched list.  With (probably) five episodes to go in the season, last year’s record low viewership average of 4.99 million is in real jeopardy.  The current Season 26 average is 5.32 million, and numbers that continue in the 3.60 million range will drop it well below five million by the end of the year.

 


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